That is what am. At least today.
This is one of those boringly personal and introspective think as I write posts. I don’t usually like to post in the middle of the day (Australian time at least) because quite frankly I should be doing ‘other things’. But today I need to get this out of my maudlin head.
Marcus Graham and Eloise Oxer in they Sydney Theatre
Company’s production of “The Glass Menagerie”, 2002.
I feel a lot like Laura in The Glass Menagerie. Or I feel like one of the figurines in Laura’s menagerie. Or both … after all Laura is just like one of her precious glass pieces – beautiful, delicate, fragile, translucent. Delicate, fragile and translucent I definitely identify with right now (translucent meaning more that you can see right into my middle, than right through me, I guess I would prefer to say). Forget about the beautiful.
And I’m definitely feeling the pull of the moon. That bit of rock that rules my world by virtue of (a) me being female, and (b) the moon being in my sun (ie, my astrological sign is Cancer – ruled by the moon). A mean double whammy if ever there was one. I haven’t been using any form of birth control for a long time. My body is working naturally and perfectly (so to speak). My cycle is entirely in tune with the ebb and flow of the moon. The moon – reflective (like a mirror), intuitive, emotional, sensitive, compassionate, protecting, moody, defensive, changeable and fluctuating.
It’s taken me all of these years, until now, to learn what an effect the moon has on me. Emotionally and hormonally. I’m thinking that the creation of Menstrual Huts was less about locking up women so they couldn’t spread their ‘dirty smelly mess’ everywhere (how repulsive and putrid is a woman’s bodily functions 
– that’s a sarcastic rolling of eyes btw) and more about men not having to deal with women when they are under the influence of premenstrual and menstrual hormones. And you know what? I can’t blame them for that! Someone definitely needs to lock me up for the duration. Like a werewolf – to keep themselves and myself safe from the purpleosity of my hormones (it’s-my-blog-and-I’ll-make-up-words-if-I-want-to). Or at the very least take away my computer. I’m sick of myself at these times. I’m tempted to go back on the pill purely to control that part of it but I’m terrified of the weight gain.
So I’m purple and I want to hermit. So much so that I’m not even going to go for my normal Monday gym session today (with the excuse that I’m still feeling a little ill though not like yesterday, and I don’t want to lower my resistance by working out). Even though I know, of course, that working out is probably the best thing I could do for myself. Expend the energy – get the endorphins flowing. I don’t even want to go and sit atop my grassy knoll at the beach today, as I usually do when I’m feeling in this sort of mood.
So what is it I’m obsessing about this time … my mind fingering thoughts like worry beads incessantly? Why, just the usual. Relationships with people, as usual, as ever, as always. People specifically and people in general. ‘Real’ friends and online friends both (not that online people aren’t real friends, but you get my drift. Some of you are both anyway). Relationships intimate and relationships casual. And of course the ever present – social facades etc etc etc.
I’ve been thinking hard since yesterday, about the value we all have in each others lives. And all I could come up with are a bunch of questions. (Relax – these are rhetorical – I’m not seeking answers right here.)
What is the value I have in your life?
Am I someone who conversing with is an interesting and important part of our ‘relationship’?
When we talk, is it a to and fro, equal exchange of thoughts, ideas, news, affection etc? Or is it all about you?
Do you tell me truths or do you offer up meaningless, insincere platitudes?
What am I to you? Are we really friends?
And … what are YOU to me? Of course I need to ask myself the same questions.
Maybe we should all ask ourselves these questions when we are dealing with people. We are all real, we are all living and breathing, laughing and hurting, and it would do us all good to remember that from time to time. I wish for a world where we are all compassionate with each other, all honest, and all open and real. Such is Nirvana.