Here I am again. Full circle. Pre-cancer. Three years ago. That restless “need to create” feeling. Viewing and listening to the results of others’ creativity, feeling envy. Yes … green-eyed, miserable envy. And feeling dumb, stagnant, sticky and silent. Shadow-artist ever.

For a while there I felt I was finding expression, had found an outlet via writing. Just pre and somewhat ‘during’ Mr Music. Now I feel I’m back to square one. Expressionless, so to speak.

That old green stone is still around, sitting on my bedside table. Time again to delve into Eric Maisel. Yesterday morning, in that ‘half-snoozing’ state my mind “wrote” again. I could have, if I really wanted to, woken fully up and wrote what I “wrote” down. Now I will keep a book by my bed for just that.

Maybe I’m feeling restless and dissatisfied, but I dohave things to do. But it all feels like a “once I move” plan, of course, now. I have my beautiful little Tanglewood guitar. I have watercolour painting art therapy to start on. I will be living with Anne … what better way to ‘create’ creativity.  An artist in the true sense of the word, unfettered by stultifying self-doubt and giving free reign to her imagination. She already does morning pages, etc. No doubt she will push me on as well. It’s a good thing. I DO feel positive that, at least in a month or so, I will be feeling less creatively barren. If I come back from that art & painting conference unscathed by my inability and lack of talent in the workshops.

Still adjusting to the aropax, clearly 🙂

I’m very sore and achey today, and worried about my right arm. I have a couple of scratches on it, and my hand is hurting like a bitch. That is the arm I am no longer allowed to have needles in, or blood pressure taken on, and have to be very careful of scratches etc, because of lymph nodes having been taken out and the risk of lymphoedema.

I need to be tidying and sorting pre-packing. But I think, for now, I will wrap myself up in a blanket with a hot cup of tea and watch a dvd. Walkabout, I think. Fancy choosing tea over coffee! I must be feeling cocoonish!

Suzanne Vega day … “today I feel like a small blue thing, made of china, made of glass”…