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Month: February 2008

Passion vs Puzzlement

26 February, 2008

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on that sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Dylan Thomas

The Old Fools

What do they think has happened, the old fools,
To make them like this? Do they somehow suppose
It’s more grown-up when your mouth hangs open and drools,
And you keep on pissing yourself, and can’t remember
Who called this morning? Or that, if they only chose,
They could alter things back to when they danced all night,
Or went to their wedding, or sloped arms some September?
Or do they fancy there’s really been no change,
And they’ve always behaved as if they were crippled or tight,
or sat through days of thin continuous dreaming
Watching light move? If they don’t (and they can’t), it’s strange:
Why aren’t they screaming?

At death, you break up: the bits that were you
Start speeding away from each other for ever
With no one to see. It’s only oblivion, true:
We had it before, but then it was going to end,
And was all the time merging with a unique endeavour
To bring to bloom the million-petaled flower
Of being here. Next time you can’t pretend
There’ll be anything else. And these are the first signs:
Not knowing how, not hearing who, the power
Of choosing gone. Their looks show that they’re for it:
Ash hair, toad hands, prune face dried into lines –
How can they ignore it?

Perhaps being old is having lighted rooms
Inside your head, and people in them, acting
People you know, yet can’t quite name; each looms
Like a deep loss restored, from known doors turning,
Setting down a lamp, smiling from a stair, extracting
A known book from the shelves; or sometimes only
The rooms themselves, chairs and a fire burning,
The blown bush at the window, or the sun’s
Faint friendliness on the wall some lonely
Rain-ceased midsummer evening. That is where they live:
Not here and now, but where all happened once.
This is why they give

An air of baffled absence, trying to be there
Yet being here. For the rooms grow farther, leaving
Incompetent cold, the constant wear and tear
Of taken breath, and them crouching below
Extinction’s alp, the old fools, never perceiving how near it is.

This must be what keeps them quiet:
The peak that stays in view wherever we go
For them is rising ground. Can they never tell
What is dragging them back, and how it will end? Not at night?
Not when the strangers come? Never, throughout
The whole hideous, inverted childhood? Well,
We shall find out.

Philip Larkin

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Solitude

24 February, 2008

Yes I’ve been collecting magpie feathers and shiny bits of glass again to place in my blog for safe keeping.

I was reading Philip Larkin’s poem Best Society tonight and thought I’d include it in a blog about solitude and study and enforced solitude due to study and on and on. However, I kept reading at my pleasure and found another poem by Larkin on solitude (and many other poems of his that I really enjoy) and so now there is no room on here for any chatter a la Julia, which would have ultimately been incredibly boring anyway. The short story being … I’ve been flat out studying while playing catch up, and loving it. I read a news article (I think in the NY Times) about the semi-colon this week and was delighted. I’m truly an English major by nature, and I’m definitely a big self-confessed (yet happy) nerd who is rather passionate about poetry and literature and loves to study 🙂 See–boring.

I think this are way more interesting than anything I was going to say:

Best Society

When I was a child, I thought,
Casually, that solitude
Never needed to be sought.
Something everybody had,
Like nakedness, it lay at hand,
Not specially right or specially wrong,
A plentiful and obvious thing
Not at all hard to understand.

Then, after twenty, it became
At once more difficult to get
And more desired – though all the same
More undesirable; for what
You are alone has, to achieve
The rank of fact, to be expressed
In terms of others, or it’s just
A compensating make-believe.

Much better stay in company!
To love you must have someone else,
Giving requires a legatee,
Good neighbours need whole parishfuls
Of folk to do it on – in short,
Our virtues are all social; if,
Deprived of solitude, you chafe,
It’s clear you’re not the virtuous sort.

Viciously, then, I lock my door.
The gas-fire breathes. The wind outside
Ushers in evening rain. Once more
Uncontradicting solitude
Supports me on its giant palm;
And like a sea-anemone
Or simple snail, there cautiously
Unfolds, emerges, what I am.

Vers De Société

My wife and I have asked a crowd of craps
To come and waste their time and ours: perhaps
You’d care to join us? In a pig’s arse, friend.
Day comes to an end.
The gas fire breathes, the trees are darkly swayed.
And so Dear Warlock-Williams: I’m afraid–

Funny how hard it is to be alone.
I could spend half my evenings, if I wanted,
Holding a glass of washing sherry, canted
Over to catch the drivel of some bitch
Who’s read nothing but Which;
Just think of all the spare time that has flown

Straight into nothingness by being filled
With forks and faces, rather than repaid
Under a lamp, hearing the noise of wind,
And looking out to see the moon thinned
To an air-sharpened blade.
A life, and yet how sternly it’s instilled

All solitude is selfish. No one now
Believes the hermit with his gown and dish
Talking to God (who’s gone too); the big wish
Is to have people nice to you, which means
Doing it back somehow.
Virtue is social. Are, then, these routines

Playing at goodness, like going to church?
Something that bores us, something we don’t do well
(Asking that ass about his fool research)
But try to feel, because, however crudely,
It shows us what should be?
Too subtle, that. Too decent, too. Oh hell,

Only the young can be alone freely.
The time is shorter now for company,
And sitting by a lamp more often brings
Not peace, but other things.
Beyond the light stand failure and remorse
Whispering Dear Warlock-Williams: Why, of course–

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On mindfulness and Tonglen

18 February, 2008

“Undisciplined squads of emotion.”–TS Eliot

He could have been talking about me. Yup … all of you here understand this at least about me! I live primarily where my emotions take me.

I have been thinking quite a lot about mindfulness lately. It’s as if Teh Universe keeps prodding me with a stick, saying “learn this”. Discussions I’ve had with unconnected people (that is, to each other). Things I’ve read. Such ongoing synchronicity. And each thing after the other settling that little bit deeper in me.

I’m very well aware of how deeply I live in my emotions. How I feel every moment and feel everyone else’s moments as well 🙂 How I’d bend to the will of my moods. How undisciplined it is, as TS Eliot said.

“I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger than reason.”–Anais Nin.

My friend Rena said of herself “But it also delivers me into the arms of intense beauty, sensitivity, and a lot of other wonderful things.” and so it applies to me too. The enjoyment and the soul in music, poetry, literature and art for one thing. It can be a beautiful thing, this living in extremes of emotion, but it can also something entirely too solipsistic and anxiety-making by the act of wallowing, the giving the emotion full reign over me.

And so I’ve been thinking of mindfulness in relation to emotion. Mindfulness, properly speaking, is about being mindful of your thoughts. Of having the ability to watch your thoughts as if from outside, without judgement of the thoughts or yourself. About realising you the person, and your thoughts, are two different things, as in “I am not my thoughts”. The separation of thoughts from the I.

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Melancholia in Middle English

11 February, 2008

The things you find 🙂

I guess I really AM built to be an English major when finds like this, written in Middle English, delight me …

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When I give, I give myself

7 February, 2008

When I give, I give myself.

This is a truism of what I am. A fact. The reality of me. For better or worse. Actually I’m learning it’s for the worse. All for the worse.

There seems to be not a person in existence who can understand this of me. Nor will there ever be, it is becoming abundantly clear, for the rest of my life. Not even the one person in the world who I thought would understand this and value it … no, not in the slightest. And this non-understanding hurts more than any broken back (and I know, I’ve had one). Heart vs back … heart hurts way more.

When I give, I give myself. Whether that be an antiquarian book, a simple favour that was asked, or a piece of poetry written specifically for you, I give you me. Dismiss the giving, the gift, as trivial and insignificant if you wish—it is your right to do so—but understand in so doing you trample on my heart. Even if it is a crappy poem, I poured my soul and my heart into it and it is offered to you with everything I have. *I* am offered to you. Even if it is only something I purchased, I searched and chose it specifically for you, with you in my heart, and I give you my heart and my soul along with the gift.

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