I’ve sat here for ages trying to think of a suitable subject line for this one to no avail … do I be funny or do I be serious? You can’t quite get many more serious subjects than every woman’s nightmare … finding a nasty lump in her breast.
My boobs, to be frank, have always been my best asset (well that is until pregnancy and breastfeeding wreaked the usual changes on them–nothing that a nice little ‘lift’ wouldn’t fix). So how ironic that now one of them is potentially ‘under attack’.
Last week I had to go to my doctor because I had found a lump in my breast. I noticed it maybe about two weeks prior. My breast had actually been quite sore and achey at times over the last few months but I hadn’t taken much notice of it. This lump … is BIG. Like peach-pit size. I was concerned, but wasn’t letting myself worry too much. After all, 90% of lumps in breasts are not cancerous. I have no family history of it at all, and the fact that it is sore and aching probably means it is something else, like a cyst. So I was pretty sure it was probably going to be a cyst.
So I calmly, though concernedly, took myself off to the doctor, who had a good grope of both sides and proceeded to put the fear of God into me. He said he thought it was too hard to be a cyst. That he would be less concerned if I had lumpy breasts, but in fact my breasts were quite smooth (insert moment of embarrassed discomfort here). Didn’t you always want to know that about me? Lots of info in THIS blog! And that he was not going to pat me on the head and tell me everything was going to be okay.
In addition to this, he tells me he wants to remove a suspect mole on my left breast. Oh JOY. We all know what kind of scars mole removal makes. Great big long and scary ones. Now I’m terrified that not only do I potentially have breast cancer, but that both boobs are going to end up scarred and mangled.
The doctors office henceforth proceeded to organise a mammogram and ultrasound for me, which I couldn’t get until tomorrow. I’ve never had a mammogram before. I’ve heard other women affectionally term them “slammograms”. I’ve been assured by small breasted women that it hurts more on small breasts because there’s less to squash. I’ve been told by big breasted women that it hurts more when you have big breasts (as I do) because … well whatever reason. Suffice to say, I’m not looking forward to it, in so many ways.
The doctor has requested that the report be emailed directly to him, but as for how or when I receive any news I don’t know. I suspect that it will just show that the lump is there (which you can’t bloody MISS — ask my sister I let her cop a good feel lol!) and that a needle biopsy will then have to be arranged to find out what sort of lump it is. Yum. Such fun and games.
So … yeah. I officially freaked out over the weekend. Of course, it’s natural to wonder if I’m going to loose my breast, end up a deformed freak, and never know the pleasure of a loving intimate relationship with anyone again (no doubt it would be enough to disgust even the most loving of men). And natural to wonder worse … if I will DIE from the bloody thing. Whether the travelling I am meant to do later this year to meet with a special someone will in fact happen or whether this will jeopardize everything. Potentially so much to loose. And just when I thought everything was on the up. When the down-slope had come to it’s end. Yes, I freaked out, and I really made someone shitty with my freaking out too 🙂 I ended up spending the weekend at my parents’ where it is a haven, a true retreat, plenty of trees and wildlife, acres and peace. And a HUGE deep bathtub (hence the shitty poem blogged previously). And as a result feel somewhat calmer.
I still know intellectually that most lumps aren’t malignant and all of that I’ve said above. I’m calm now, quietly waiting I guess. No doubt when the time comes tomorrow when I have to strip off my top and bra and have my breasts groped, squashed and minutely examined I will be feeling sick to my stomach. No doubt I will freak out again when I see the actual ultrasound screen. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Most likely a trip to a city down south to the major cancer hospital nearest us for a day of more tests, which seems to be the norm for anyone who has suspect mammograms.
*sigh*
Ladies, check your breasts, as we all know we are supposed to. This MUST have been a smaller lump at some stage that I should have caught earlier. I let myself get too blase about it. (That’s meant to be blar-zay with a thingy on top of an e don’t you know). Most likely this will end up to be a happy story with a relieved “Thank GOD” at the end, but you just never know … check those breasts! Or better yet, have your partner do it for you.
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