* I’m confused. So confused. My head is such a jumble of feelings. And not just about the tumour either. So much for mindfulness. I haven’t been doing great with that lately. Yes, confusion is uppermost, sadness up there with it.
* I can’t even afford Liam’s school photos on Friday. A measly $35. The imaging place wanted money upfront. The surgeon on Tuesday wants money upfront. Thankfully my doctor bulk-billed me yesterday (for the non-Australians, that means I didn’t have to pay. The government does). I had to scrounge $1.50 from Liam’s wallet today to pay for his special Hot Dog Lunch tomorrow at school, in honour of St Patricks Day.
* How the hell do they make green hot dogs? I have felt like vomiting all since yesterday’s visit with the doctor; green hot dogs makes the rising gorge feeling more prominent lol!
* Tomorrow I might just pray. How’s that for a turn up? The school is having a liturgy at morning assembly for St Patrick and St Joseph (the school’s patron saint). Me the non-Catholic Catholic. Usually I’m inclined to do a non-prayer prayer to the Buddha of Compassion. Visualising him in my minds eye is one of the most calming and quieting things in the world. That can bring such peach just in istself.
* Talking of things spiritual, I’ve even had a brief moment of having my spiritual beliefs shaken. I believe in karma, in fate to a degree (though there is always free will) that things happen for a reason and we are here to grow in each successive life time. Now, I’ve briefly wondered (I haven’t let myself dwell there yet) whether it’s all bullshit. Whether life is all just one big random event with no real purpose.
* The Breast The Breast The Breast. the tumour the tumour the tumour (I refuse to capitalise that). Is this what my life is going to be ALL about in the coming weeks, possibly longer?
* The ticking of the clock on the wall has new meaning.
* Panic lies somewhere deep right now. I can feel it there, ready. Lurking. Along with the tumour … lurking. Filthy thing. On top are shock, fright, denial (this canNOT be cancer, it just can’t happen), confusion. Confusion most of all.
* Confusion not only about The Thing And All Of That, but relationships with people. With where I stand with people. Family members you’ve been with through their dark night of the soul, always there, always available, supporting as much as possible. Who give all appearances of not giving a shit now the tables are turned.
* Confusion over a special relationship that seems to have intrisically changed. This brings more sadness than The Thing to be honest.
* I put on a pretty dress today, in a vain attempt to cheer myself up. I rarely wear dresses. I feel like a girl. Good grief.
* It’s a beautiful day outside. The summer we should have had in summer is now here. I should be out there. I’m feeling that need to drive to the beach again… you know times are tough then 🙂 To meld my mind with the surf.
* How do I read critical essays about Othello when THIS is looming? I have to do it. I SHOULD be studying. I’m finding it hard enough to keep up as it is. Now … sheesh.
* Othello should be played by a black man for heaven’s sake. Orson Welles did a brilliant job playing Othello, but underneath it all you are forever distracted that here is a white man with bootpolish on his face playing a black man. I need to watch the Kenneth Brannagh version.
* I do not want chemo. I pray to every deity that I don’t have to have chemo. Yes, I’m jumping ahead of myself. One bite of the elephant at a time is the way to eat it 🙂
* I have a constant small amount of pain in The Breast/glandular area. A kind of hot pain. Reminding me contstantly that It’s There .
* I may, or MAY NOT, have cancer. Either I already have it, or I don’t have it at all. And worrying isn’t going to change it. Got to hold on to that.
* Man I need some sleep. And some coffee. Chocolate. Wine. CARBOHYDRATES *sob* lol! What I’d give for an Indian feast with ricericericelotsofrice.
* I love hearing the noisy friar birds talk and chatter and OI in my bottlebrushes and grevilleas.
* I feel a bit better now 🙂
I want one of these.