It's official - I have breast cancer • Peculiar Julia

I think sleep might be a long time coming tonight.

I have breast cancer. I keep repeating that to myself in amazement and puzzlement. It is surreal, although I was expecting it.

My surgeon visit was bumped up to Monday afternoon. He pretty much announced “I think it’s cancer” straight away, after looking at the films and reports. He took a needle biopsy—which I barely felt at all!—and made an appointment for me to come back Wednesday afternoon, last thing.

My mother came with me. He told me it was cancer. I am to have more blood tests tomorrow. More x-rays and scans on the chest and liver (to check it hasn’t spread). Another appointment with the surgeon next Wednesday afternoon, when he will put me in contact with the oncologist, breast care nurse, etc etc, and then surgery the following week … Tuesday afternoon/Wednesday morning. So a fortnight from now. Surgery will be taking the tumour out place a good margin of tissue surrounding it, and a nice big chunk out of the armpit to check lymph nodes. I’ll be in three or four days.

After surgery, radiation, and I have to be treated systemically because it’s a large tumour. This means chemo and/or hormone therapy, but most likely chemo. That’s what I’m most scared of, and that’s what he says is the worst part of it. I will lose all my beautiful hair!! Sounds so vain but I have nothing much left now it would seem. I know it grows back, but it took me forever to get it this long L and I’m kind of attached to it (the bits that aren’t already falling out anyway lol!)

My surgeon says I am in for a miserable six months.

This means …no travel for me. No special trip in July to meet a soul mate. This makes me incredibly sad. He says the earliest I will be able to travel is the end of the year.

It means no on-campus residential week for me either, as that is the week after my operation. I am going to try as hard as I possibly can to keep studying through this. My surgeon wants me to also, as it will give me something to focus on. I am desperate not to give up the study, not this time.

The unfairness of this astounds me. Of course, it’s not fair that anyone gets cancer. But I want to flip Life the bird and tell it “for fucks sake, give me a break already will you?” The surgeon told us we wouldn’t believe how many women had breast cancer; how common it was. He told three women today they had breast cancer. He averages six mastectomies a week, that doesn’t include lumpectomies. And is a general surgeon not a breast cancer surgeon. The stats are terrifying. Why are SO many women getting breast cancer? Then the questions start … is it deodorant? wha?

I’m feeling okay. Good even, unbelievably. Straight after The Visit this afternoon we attended an art exhibition opening at a local gallery (my auntie’s work). Mingled, drank wine, ate finger food, life as normal. Lots of family members there who already knew thanks to my sister lol! Then I had dinner with my Mum and Dad, more red wine, and another glass as I catch up with the myriad of messages and emails (done) and pass on the bad news here there and everywhere. Liam stayed the night at Glen’s as my appointment was late, we had the exhibition, and I had no idea what sort of state I’d be in.

Tomorrow I might be flat on the ground and unable to move, but for now I feel good. I still have to come to terms with the reality of it.

I have breast cancer. Holy Mother of God. How did that happen?

I really have to say huge huge thanks for all the loving and caring I am getting from family and friends. I am truly blessed, and humbled, and so very very grateful.

I love people right now. Yes I do.

Edit: I forgot this. My father gave it to me today.

THE MICHAEL MEDITATION

I must eradicate from my soul all fear and terror
of what comes towards me from out of the future.

I must acquire serenity in all feelings and sensations
about the future.

I must look forward with absolute equanimity to all that may come,
and I must think only that whatever comes to me
is given to me by a world direction full of wisdom.

It is part of what I must learn in this age,
namely to live out of pure trust, without any security in my existence,
trust in the ever present help of the spiritual world.

Truly, nothing else will do if my courage is not to fail me.

Let me properly discipline my will,
and seek the inner awakening,
every morning
and every evening.

Rudolf Steiner.