Just popping in to update you all. I’m sorry I’m unable to reply to messages/emails/comments etc right now, I’m just not up to it.
I had surgery on Wednesday. It was meant to be day surgery only, but the ended up keeping me in overnight. I’m in more pain again of course, which is starting to make me angry because I’m sick of this pain/over sensitivity/itchiness/limited movement. The only reason they kept me overnight was because they left a drain in – nothing serious. To look at my breast makes me sad. It is hideously scarred, and there is a substantial bit missing. Now, apparently, the cavity where the tumour was taken out, and the cavity in the armpit from having the lymph nodes take out, are one huge cavity. Not that you can see it or feel it like that. But that’s a substantial part gone.
Pathology from that surgery came back yesterday and it was all good. All clear–so no mastectomy is needed. THAT’S a relief.
However.
I had my first oncologist visit yesterday. The Big One. To talk about what treatments I get from here on in, and to discuss prognosis (that is, the statistics). Short and sweet–I have a 65% chance of living to 5 years. I know that’s better than even odds, but it’s still a hard thing to look at. I had no idea this was that serious. It’s going to take me a few days to process this. Naturally, everyone is going to point out the positive aspects of this but the point is, I had no idea, again, that it was this bad. I will need time to turn it over–good and bad–before I CAN feel positive about it. Naturally, I am shocked beyond belief, saddened beyond belief, scared beyond belief. What about my son? What about Liam?
I will start chemo in about three weeks. 18 weeks of it, in 3×3 cycles. Two different drugs, one after the other. After which I will have 5 weeks of radiotherapy, then hormone therapy, which lasts years. I will become infertile.
On top of this comes something so mind blowing it changes my own journey and battle immeasurably.
In Feb 2000, my sister Natalie was diagnosed with a brain tumour. A very serious one … anaplastic astrocytoma. A grade 3 one from which most people die. After surgery and radiotherapy, all looked good. She has been ‘cured’ ever since.
On Wednesday, the same day I was having surgery, she had her annual MRI. My father drove her down to a city a few hours from here where she has this done. He popped into hospital to visit while Mum was there after my surgery. I said “I presume Natalie’s scan was all okay”. And he didn’t want to tell us, but it wasn’t. The tumour has come back, except this time it is right in the midline, and it is in deep in the brain. It is inoperable. The only thing left to her is chemo.
Bizarre. We will be having chemo at the same time. What are the odds of two children out of four battling serious bouts of cancer at the same time? Nobody can imagine how devastating this is for my parents. Nobody would WANT to. My mother was so shocked and devastated, that it wasn’t long before she said “we have to leave now” and they went. Left me there alone, feeling abandoned because of my sister’s tumour. And what a selfish thought that is.
The conflicting feelings over all of this are mind boggling. Here I am, quietly trying to deal with my cancer, with getting through all of this, when BOOM this happens. Now it’s not just my cancer I have to deal with but hers. I’m angry. Of course I know this is not deliberate, that’ s ridiculous. The fact is, my sister probably is not going to recover from this. It would take a miracle for her not to die from this. But anyone who knows Natalie, also knows how competitive she is. She has already made remarks and suggestive comments that my cancer is nowhere near as bad as HERS was (this was before hers coming back), actually even yesterday when I spoke to her on the phone she made a similar remark about my prognosis. I pulled her up sharp on that and told her this was not a competition.
The wounded scared little child in me who is afraid of losing her parent’s love and support over this can’t help thinking “here is Series Two of the ‘It’s All About Natalie’ show”. Which makes ME sound competitive.
I am ANGRY that my OWN problems are forever infused now with HER problems. I can focus on myself as much as I want and can, but the fact is in everyone else’s mind it’s going to be all about Natalie.
My parents walking out on me in hospital that afternoon was a kick in the guts. My father came back that night, because he knew … he knew. He said he couldn’t bear to have me left me alone in hospital that night. We talked a lot and I cried a lot, and I was brutally honest about all of this. Mum didn’t want to fall apart in front of me, and I know that, but nevertheless it was awful. She apologised the next day, but I carry the wound. We had another big talk, the three of us, yesterday morning, before my oncology appointment, and got a lot out in the open. So they are aware of my fears.
And now it is so much worse, knowning what I know about my chances. I have a lot to process and cry over for a few days while I try to come to terms with everything. I’m sorry for my absences but I know you all understand.