Snap or flick?

The elastic band is losing its life. So much continuous stretching out and springing back in again. It’s been weakening of late with each successive pull and if it didn’t finally snap today, it’s not long off breaking. Maybe that’s a good thing, but it doesn’t stop it being a painful thing. It would be preferrable if it were repairable, but the law of physics says there is only so much stress an object can take before it breaks.

I guess that’s what happens when you start putting up boundaries. I’m getting very tired of trying to sharing my life, thoughts, dreams, fears with someone who no longer even shows a basic interest in even the most basic stuff of my life.  So instead of talking to deaf ears and blind eyes, I’ll share here.

Now is the time to focus on my spirituality, more than ever. A time of new beginnings, a time of fresh starts and even a new living environment. Forget about the crap and move on. Meditation … lots of it … twice a day at least. Communing with nature … lots of it. Reading spiritual tomes and practicing lots of exercises in mindfulness, right thinking, equanimity. I am moving to a place with privacy,  beautiful gardened yards, a little grotto-like place with a trickling pond, an art studio down the back and a paddock behind . Peace and serenity. A place in which to breathe.

(It’s a beautiful day here today, an ‘Indian Summer’ day, and we have been putting tea-tree mulch on the garden.)

In May I am going north for a while to an Anthroposophical conference, on Transformational Healing. That sounds all new-agey, crystals and the like but it’s nothing of the sort. I get to play with watercolours in the art therapy workshop. Just me and my father… it will be so nice to spend a few days alone together.

Today, Mr Music accused me of being “self-absorbed in a morass of self-pity where (I) constantly find reasons why no-one gives me the attention (I) think (I) deserve”. I am the first to admit there is an element of truth in this, in moments where I am allowing myself to wallow, and ruminate on relationships with people. But as for the constantly finding reasons part of it … for the part of it where he implies I am so self-absorbed that I think everyone should be paying me attention … that was a rather cruel arrow to shoot at me in an argument, untrue, and very subjective from his pov too. The issue of friendship with Mr Music has become a very large issue … just what does each define  friendship as being? How do friends treat each other? One thing I DO know, I don’t have this issue with any other of my friends. Or anyone else I know, for that matter.

I said his statement was a cruel arrow because I think he is also referring to my relationship with my parents, because of something I recently confided to him, which was that my parents are no longer feeling they need to emotionally support me now because treatment is over. My parents and I had a good, long, honest and open talk about that, and all is fine with us. I still have the same warm and loving relationship I did beforehand. Apart from that … I don’t know who else the ‘no-one’ could possibly be about.  Again … here at least I admit that I have been guilty to a small extent of what he accused me of, but no-one can say I’m self-absorbed and can’t see, and don’t take interest in, what is happening with my friends’ lives.

Friendship is about not only taking, but giving. Stretch that elastic band too far in one direction and it will eventually snap.

Edit: And some elastic bands NEVER break! Today I found my best friend from highschool 😀