- I wish I had a ‘print screen’ function for my brain. I have this strange phenomenon happen in my dreams. It has been happening a while and with increasing regularity. In my dreams, I ‘write’ sentences. Random sentences that belong in a work of fiction. The strange thing about it is, that in my dreams, I observe this happening and know I’m dreaming it and I say to myself “my God, why can’t I write like that when I’m awake? If only I could remember these things.” Because … they are good. Yes, they are good, very good even, and I recognise this in my dreams. Just a sentence or two usually. And what is weirder is that these moments pop up in the middle of other dreams which have nothing to do with whatever, I suddenly become lucid and watch these sentences come up. Then, presumably, I go back to whatever my dream self was doing and I have no memory of anything.
- What a week. Heavy heavy rain, now we are flooding. This week I have been changing anti-depressants, to one that is more designed to take care of anxiety. Coming down off one half a tablet a day, one day with none, then slowly starting the new one. I have had excrutiating headaches this week, now I’m just Spacey with a capital S. I was beginning to wonder if perhaps the original ones were doing me a big disfavour. I’ve been feeling more my old self more than ever. Except tonight, just before coming to bed, inexplicable teariness and melancholy, like a spike in a graph. No reason. I know it is just the chemicals/change of chemicals fucking with my head right now.
- Talking of headaches, I’m really worried about my sister Natalie, the one with the brain tumour. The tablet form of chemo has been doing so well for her that the last two MRIs showed barely anything. Not only have they been taking care of the symptoms (little seizures) but actually shrinking the tumour. The oncologist was amazed … didn’t expect that much of a result. So they gave her a break from the chemo tablets and said they will keep on eye on her. She’s been off it 5-6 weeks now, and she had a couple of little turns this week. Nothing after that. Today we went out to lunch to celebrate my father’s birthday. Natalie has had very bad, and quite constant, sharp stabbing headaches all day long. I’m worried for her.
- I have acquired myself a copy of Photoshop CS4 extended. 🙂 I’ve been having fun learning it. It’s not a difficult learning curve, already being very conversant with Paint Shop Pro. But I love it. Hours of fun there.
- I’ve actually been reading Stephen King again. I haven’t read him for quite a few years. I picked up his two newest books last week, and I’m thoroughly enjoying the short stories now.
- Been philosophically pondering the common feeling that people diagnosed with cancer get to rediscover their creative side. With me, and another woman I met last weekend (I still have to blog about last weekend’s jaunt), it was music, with my sister, it was more crafty things, though previously she painted. Is it because we (unconsciously even) look at the things we value more? There seems to be a spiritual connection there though, something more than just living according to our values. The need to create, the need to express ourselves through the creation, the need to find solace, safety and comfort in the creating. Hmmm… someone should write a book about that lol!
- Hope my American friends have a lovely Memorial Day weekend. Missing friends lately, missing important discussions, shared loves, sharing little treasure-finds … missing all of that dreadfully. Thinking I will probably miss it forever. Thinking again on the love/hate relationship with solitude, the nature of melancholy. (The importance of not writing fragments for sentences as is my wont!!) Maybe I’m coming full circle.
- Here’s a thought … confronting and facing fear and terror is something all of mankind is having to do in this stage of our evolution. This was something someone said last weekend that really struck strings in my soul. And, strangely, it bought me a certain sense of calm, quiet and, dare I say it, nearly peace. It depersonalizes my own struggles somewhat. That’s a very nice thing.
- Circling back up to the creativity thing … the biggest news (beyond even the all clear for a return of cancer in my breasts) is that I have been offered a piano … for free. I only have to pay to have it hauled from where it is (4 hours south) to here. Cheap, really. And apparently it’s a beautiful instrument. I won’t be able to have it until I move as I don’t have space here, but this is my biggest, longest-held & cherished dream come true. To have, and be able to play, a piano again. I haven’t been playing guitar much either lately, but I’m starting to get itchy fingers. And I’m starting to do regular watercolour painting. Hopefully, somehow, all of this will help beget my dream sentences into waking life 🙂
