Where to start. I feel like I have a month of catching up on sleep to do. Not to mention catching up with correspondence, study and more. God, I hope I don’t have to move again for a VERY long time. I’m only just nearing the end of unpacking and settling in now. My bedroom haven, of course, being the last on the agenda. But here I am now, with fresh new doona/pillow covers, cushions, bolsters, square pillows … spring-like. New house, new life, new beginning. Maybe it’s because I haven’t had time, maybe it’s because I have company, but there are whole days I forget with the whole cancer ‘thing’ last year.
Now I have my bedroom aka study aka film room sorted, there is room, both literally and figuratively (in my head) to think, to rest, and to write. I feel the need to journal (I mean my private journal) again now, to write. Except for this horrible exhausting inertia. This has all really taken it out of me more than I would have guessed. I obviously STILL have a long way to come back from treatment.
I love it here. Truly love it here. The house is bright and airy, the patio is getting a LOT of use … nothing nicer than sitting out there in a sunny spot, drinking coffee, listening to the birds … SO many birds it is never silent. And the little froggy and his mate living in our water feature in the patio and the bromileads outside Liam’s bedroom window. Now, I have only to arrange getting the piano here!
Another change the move bought about … a necessary feeling of distancing, and acceptance of the Mr Music situation. There was still a great deal of sadness attached. It’s a very complex situation indeed. I was thinking on it again this morning, and thinking “HAVE I wasted too much comfort, support, nurturing, interest, help, even love, on someone who, at best, takes it for granted, though I know he appreciates it at times?” I don’t mind doing it, although some times, I do feel used. The other question is WHY do I act like this for someone who doesn’t love me? It is so unlike me, in truth. Questions all too hard for me right now, in my quiet, rather sleep state of mind. I woke nauseous, so am back in bed, with my text books, and dvd’s to watch (all in the name of study for my film class!)
A very short and superficial update I know, but that’s all I can manage right now.
Sometimes it does take large life changes like this move to jostle everything into a new place… I am glad that you are “forgetting” your cancer time of last year. It is still there, a part of you, but not an omnipresent force… same with the Mr Music situation; a part of you, but the the whole of you.
I have nothing profound to say today in that regard – just glad that you are coming to terms with how you feel.
I do love bird filled mornings. I enjoy sitting out on my patio, coffee in hand with a bunch of birds as well. I contantly fill the feeders, and they wait for me some mornings to do so. 😉
Hope your movie selection for your class are goodies.
I read The Bell Jar a few years ago. I liked it. But, I tend to like Plath. The first lines of “Ariel” are some of my favorites in all of poetry:
Stasis in darkness
Then the substanceless blue
por of tor and distances.
por of tor? I don’t understand that … but I like the rest. I haven’t read Ariel, but of course, want to 🙂 I just finished The Bell Jar today. Surprisingly easy read.
I was thinking as I walked up to Liam’s bus stop this afternoon that I wish I recorded the bird songs so I could share them with people. The currajongs, the whip birds, so many others. It’s positively NOISY here with birds!
I’m with you on the patio thing. I love it out there. And this has been a very warm winter. This weekend actually we will be having temps in the high 20’s. Ridiculous.
Coming to terms? Not yet, not yet. As my oncologist said, it will take 2 years before I am able to look back and say “WHOAH… what happened?” And as for the other … I don’t know I ever will, in full. I haven’t yet had a time when I loved someone, and had to stop loving that someone, that it didn’t take me years.
I read this entry, and all I could think was how incredibly rich your life is. Or maybe it’s just because you’re the sort of person that nothing is wasted on.
I know I’ve not kept up as well as I should lately, but seeing this was comforting. It’s good to see you in a place that has so many comforts while you come to terms with the tricky stuff.
Yeah, you’re an absolutely TERRIBLE friend. You should be writing me every day, even though you have just given birth to a new human being *snort*.
Seriously though, I love you and I think about you a lot. I don’t want to bombard you with emails when you are trying to get to grips with having a baby and being a new mum.
Sadly, sometimes it takes something like cancer to make you realise just how precious everything is. No, nothing is wasted. Not one little jimmy lizard, not the little tadpoles in the water feature, or the willy wagtails picking up Gabbies hair for their nest, or a waft of a breeze, the smell of the jasmine and moriah bush. Nothing. It is all such a blissful delight.
Yesterday I actually got an email out to Gail … she wrote me in JUNE. Geez. I’m learning that emailing friends is going to require nips and sound bites, but I will get back into the swing of writing SOON. I want to. I miss you.
Arwen is one of those babies who cries as soon as you put her down. If she’s asleep, she wakes up to cry. This is challenging when I want to get anything done! LOL