Silence. It’s golden, it truly is. And gives peace of mind. The making of silence. I feel no need. I feel a curious lack of connection and it’s kind of ‘nice’. I seriously think, that in this silence, I am not missed in the slightest, which reinforces to me the knowledge that therefore silence is the best policy.
Maybe the space is allowing me to regather some dignity back. It hasn’t really been a dignified two years 🙂 There is no dignity in cancer, but there can be grace. Sometimes, I dealt with it with strength and grace. At other times, I felt I was in Dante’s Inferno, or in the abyss with Nietzsche’s monster, and it was the murkiest, darkest slimiest place I have ever been in, and I have been in some very dark places before. Explain that to somebody who hasn’t been through it. It is impossible.
I have to live by my own values, my own ethics. My friends are those who are compatible value-wise, ethics-wise.
Sad notebook. It caught a virus. Hopefully I will pick it up today as I prefer to ‘pute in my cave, and not out here on my pc, in ‘public’. But the lack of it has also allowed me space. I feel no need.
Peaking a little … I have my first university paper due on Monday. 2500 words (says the uni, the prof says that’s just a guideline for essays and as you are not doing a formal essay, there needn’t be a prescribed length [going over] which is just as well, as I tend to go into so MUCH detail that I need to cut my essays by half usually, and become much more general). Of course, in my fashion, I haven’t yet started. I always leave these things until the last minute, but it seems this is my best way of working. Today and tomorrow I must knuckle down (see how well I procrastinate??). Amusing to me my current outlook on this… a month ago, I was seriously anxious, now, I think I can do this easily, so easily, I can ‘shit’ it in… to be crass. I can see me taking my laptop (assuming I have it back) and my books camping with me on the weekend. I don’t have wireless internet away from home, but I can still work on the paper. I am doing a scene from either Fargo or the Third Man, I haven’t decided yet.
Yes, I am taking myself and Liam off camping on the weekend, for an annual ‘Cuz Party’. Though it looks like it’s going to be very thin on the ground cousin wise. I’m looking forward to it nonetheless. Camping at the foot of the mountains, by the Avon River. They have an annual Shakespeare Festival at the nearby town every year. One year, one year I would LOVE to go, though it would have to be alone. I don’t know anybody who would want to come with lol!!
Thunderstorm last night. Rolling over us wave after wave after wave, such a long storm. Flashes of white light in the bedroom. Fat raindrops on the elephant leaves pattering outside my bedroom window. After reading Delta of Venus while listening to the Camille 2000 soundtrack. Wondering if I will ever, ever meet my sensual match. The frustration of two years without sex, a lifetime without any form of sex sensual enough to touch me. Oh, THERE I feel a distinct need.
A day spent with friends yesterday, eating good food, home made feta, chili feta and crackers, rosewater/almond biscuits, brilliant friends, creative friends, musical friends. Hot day, breeze on the verandah.
The piano is slightly closer. Except it’s going to cost me around $500 to get it here, and the funds right now aren’t allowing it, thanks to a certain housemate being heavily subsidised by moi (that wasn’t supposed to happen).
I’m going to embark on an intensive mindfulness course, which is very very heavily steeped in Buddhism. The same eight week course my aunty did, and which I have always been quite jealous of. She has private health insurance and could do it. One of my best friends though, the one who baked me bread and made me home made cosmetics while I was going through treatment last year, is a psychologist and is currently doing the instructors course for the very same program. She is guinea-pigging me. I feel so peaceful, change is on it’s way; here comes the more spiritual life I’ve been meaning to live.
From The Tenth Circle by Jodi Picoult:
“You can’t have strength without weakness; you can’t have light without dark; you can’t have love without loss.”
“Laura had been inked onto his life, as indelible as any tattoo.”
“He felt his heart pleat.”
And my love for literature even gets shat upon. I guess it is known where to strike the iron most where it will hurt.
Fragments of my life.
Right now, I want to play the guitar. I want to draw. I want to paint. But I have to study, and write a *#@%# paper 🙂
Yep, definitely feelin’ that silence. I feel no need.
Sometimes I feel like I’d like to take back 95% of what I say. The less I say, the more “whole” I feel. It’s weird how we’re compelled to speak all the time. (And here I’m doing it again! LOL)
If I were there, I would love to go to that festival with you. Darnnit.
Feel better. Love the weekend. 🙂
Ah yes, it would be so much fun to do that with you. I have a friend here who probably would enjoy it immensely as well, but children kinda get in the way lol!
Yeah … I’m notoriously too verbose on the keyboard but you know that. You are one of the people though I don’t wish I could take back things I had said to. And you can speak to me ANY time you wish.
Getting the assignment done made me feel a tonne better. As has resuming the silence 🙂
xxx