“To live content with small means, to seek elegance rather than luxury, and refinement rather than fashion, to be worthy, not respectable, and wealthy, not rich, to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly, to listen to stars and birds, to babes and sages, with an open heart, to bear all cheerfully, do all bravely, await occasions, hurry never, in a word to let the Spiritual, unbidden and unconscious, grow up through the common, this is to be my symphony.” ~ William Ellery Channing
It’s the bearing all cheerfully, and not hurrying, that I have problems with. Working on them though 🙂 Nicked from Rena.
I wrote a long post here earlier, and lost the lost *sigh*
In the early hours of yesterday morning, I wrote and sent a goodbye letter/email to Mr Music. I know every single one of you who knows me and is reading this will be cheering. I’m not. I just feel sad. SO. SO. SO. Sad. But quiet, and still, and very, very calm.
He wanted to reduce our friendship to nothing more than periodic emails ‘checking in’ on each other. How superficial and shallow. He said I didn’t have the right, yes, the RIGHT, to expect anything more because we hadn’t met each other and live on opposite sides of the globe. This completely deletes everything that has gone before, as if it never existed. There is no respect for anything. All of the intensely private things we shared, the feelings we had for each other, everything. Impersonal.
What I really don’t like is the effect he has had on my writing. He pissed all over my blogging, used it as a tool to hurt me, denegrated it. A few times. I left it affect me, and as a result, I haven’t been able to write a damn thing worthwhile, let’s face it. Not like I used to. I don’t write poetry anymore (nothing half way decent anyway, just one or two). It was a way of expressing myself. I used to enjoy doing it, and I think I did it well. I don’t anymore. I CAN’T. I don’t know how to anymore.
The friends who care about me are still here. They are the ones that supported me through the worst time of my life, who understood I was as close to hell and insanity as you can get without actually going there, and didn’t judge me for it (I’m still crawling out from that place, nearly out, but I was told it would take some years before I could dust myself off). Those who listened. You’re all still here. He isn’t.
I will miss him, don’t doubt that. I will miss the GOOD. He will always have a part of my heart … the part he bit out (oh and the toothmarks will remain). He has left his footprint on my soul and that won’t be erased easily. But I won’t be dismissed or reduced, or treated like shit. Allow me to be sad, in amongst the disgust, the relief, the calm. I am letting go. I am letting HIM go.
He is never going to take me to the opera.
We are never going to travel together.
Perhaps I will catch a gig of his while I’m in the US, but will I go up and speak to him? Maybe, maybe not.
Yes I’m sad.
How I will study now I don’t know. What I AM going to concentrate on is meditation, spirituality, and making my OWN music.
Catnip and kryptonite. That’s what he was to me.
I am not “happy” about this… I am hopeful for you. i am hopeful that you will heal that part of your heart that he has hurt, and I am hopeful you will rise to become, to return to what you were before… better than before. You will be better… To let go takes strength. To stand up for yourself is power. I admire this action, and praise you for it.
But does it make me happy… no. was it necessary… yes. I want better for you than this. and I know it is coming.
I am still amazed at his arrogance and the… presumption that he, as a “friend,” would use your personal discourse as a tool to diminish you, to make you feel bad or inferior. That is a serious character flaw, one that I hope will never rear its head at you again. It is borderline personality disorder behavior.
As far as your writing… To paraphrase Maya Angelou… When she was asked once about inspiration and how often she writes, she said soemthing like … I write every day. It may be good, it may be bad, but every day I write a little something.
Make yourself happy. BE happy. Everything else (the writing, the music, the art) will follow suit.
oh.. and I did NOT get the book and the music in the mail, but that is a different note… 🙁
Love and hugs to you.
S.
Already rising and healing 🙂 You should have ‘heard’ all the labels I copped from saying “you know what, I don’t want to put up with that nastiness anymore”. More to come.
DAMN I FELT GOOD TODAY! Erm, yesterday.
Oh don’t stress about the mail thing 🙂 (But I look forward greedily to the goodies!)
Hugs and love to you too!