A kick up the bum

So, I got the results on my first assignment back on Friday. I only just scraped through by the skin of my teeth. A pass at 58%. Mortified. Appalled. Tears and massive self doubt ensued. Of course I catastrophised it all and was sure I would never be good for anything, ever again. When I saw where I went wrong I could have kicked myself to death. But after a weekend (totally alone) of reflection, silence and meditation, all is cool.

 Really, it was a humiliating kick up the arse I badly needed. I left most of the study to the last minute. I didn’t do ALL of the work I should have, and only did the very basics. I didn’t watch the films as much as often as I should have. I left the assignment until the last minute and did it in one day and night. I knew it wasn’t my best work.

 I really did cruise through my school years without ever having to study but staying up the top of the year. I topped my class for the welfare course, again without spending any time on it apart from assignments and time in class. This was a good lesson learned that I can’t do that any more. That I need to really work. A close and cherished friend visited me today. SHE knew that yes, a pass is a pass, but that I am capable of more than that, and that I require more of myself than that. She asked me how desperately I wanted ‘this’? How mad was I? Very good questions to ponder on.

Of course, the problem now is, I have done the same thing and haven’t spent enough time studying and now the assignment is due in 2 and a half weeks. I have a tonne of study to catch up on. So now, all my spare time will be spent studying until I hand the last one in. This time, it’s about narrative and mythic hero journeys. If ever I needed Ray and David, but there you go I can’t. I have to do this myself. All I have to do is make sure I do the best I can to pass through this subject. And I have learned my lessons for next year 🙂

I’m not the only one either. It seems a few other external students received very poor marks as well. The ones who’ve told, anyway.

I’ve totally enjoyed having the house to myself while Anne is away, and even when Liam was away on the weekend. I’ve got quite a lovely routine happening. Morning coffee, meditation then study/reading, every morning. Liam and I are working on the pond outside. Cleaning it out. I bought a little pump, I saved as many tadpoles as I could, and got as much as the crud and slime out as I could. It will be lovely to have that going and have the sound of water as we sit on the patio.

I’m happy most of the time, and loving the meditation (journalling it as well).  I’m toying with the idea of going on a Buddhist retreat at some stage. I’m having more peaceful moments than not. I’m seeking a life imbued with spirituality and authenticity, and I’m on my way 🙂