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Yesterday and Today (literally)

21 March, 200818 March, 2015

Yesterday:

I’m EXHAUSTED right now. Liam had a big day at school. They did an Easter play and morning tea, then I came home for one hour to ring all and sundry up about financial things, medical things etc; went to the Neighbourhood Centre where I used to work to get some assistance with stuff; went to the op-shop for cool things to wear to hospital, the chemist to put in my receipts for all the medical stuff to get the refund back, back to Liam’s school for an easter hat parade and easter egg hunt. And then to the accountants to sign for my tax returns to go in.

Oh yes, and blood tests in there somewhere. Where I was told I was going to become best friends with the girl who sticks me with the needle. As I would have to go in there the day before every single chemo treatment.

I’m amazed at how incredible even the medical people are with this. With cancer patients, the blood test place take you in before anyone in the morning, whenever you turn up. I’ve been told from now on all of my x-rays and ultrasounds will be bulk-billed (meaning the government pays for the lot) and my surgeon is kindly doing that also!! As is my normal doctor. Thank GOD. Nice to have some good news.

And within the next two weeks I should have a nice amount back from my tax returns plus my superannuation which I am drawing out (which is only 8000 but going to be taxed at 21.5% the bastards!) so I will have money to pay for Liam’s school fees for the year, pay off everyone I owe, buy myself a decent bloody DOUBLE bed (because I’m pretty sure bed is going to be an important place haha!)

Today:

Still feeling good. Though my breast never stops aching. It’s a kind of hot, low ache that migrates.

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It’s official – I have breast cancer

19 March, 2008

I think sleep might be a long time coming tonight.

I have breast cancer. I keep repeating that to myself in amazement and puzzlement. It is surreal, although I was expecting it.

My surgeon visit was bumped up to Monday afternoon. He pretty much announced “I think it’s cancer” straight away, after looking at the films and reports. He took a needle biopsy—which I barely felt at all!—and made an appointment for me to come back Wednesday afternoon, last thing.

My mother came with me. He told me it was cancer. I am to have more blood tests tomorrow. More x-rays and scans on the chest and liver (to check it hasn’t spread). Another appointment with the surgeon next Wednesday afternoon, when he will put me in contact with the oncologist, breast care nurse, etc etc, and then surgery the following week … Tuesday afternoon/Wednesday morning. So a fortnight from now. Surgery will be taking the tumour out place a good margin of tissue surrounding it, and a nice big chunk out of the armpit to check lymph nodes. I’ll be in three or four days.

After surgery, radiation, and I have to be treated systemically because it’s a large tumour. This means chemo and/or hormone therapy, but most likely chemo. That’s what I’m most scared of, and that’s what he says is the worst part of it. I will lose all my beautiful hair!! Sounds so vain but I have nothing much left now it would seem. I know it grows back, but it took me forever to get it this long L and I’m kind of attached to it (the bits that aren’t already falling out anyway lol!)

My surgeon says I am in for a miserable six months.

This means …no travel for me. No special trip in July to meet a soul mate. This makes me incredibly sad. He says the earliest I will be able to travel is the end of the year.

It means no on-campus residential week for me either, as that is the week after my operation. I am going to try as hard as I possibly can to keep studying through this. My surgeon wants me to also, as it will give me something to focus on. I am desperate not to give up the study, not this time.

The unfairness of this astounds me. Of course, it’s not fair that anyone gets cancer. But I want to flip Life the bird and tell it “for fucks sake, give me a break already will you?” The surgeon told us we wouldn’t believe how many women had breast cancer; how common it was. He told three women today they had breast cancer. He averages six mastectomies a week, that doesn’t include lumpectomies. And is a general surgeon not a breast cancer surgeon. The stats are terrifying. Why are SO many women getting breast cancer? Then the questions start … is it deodorant? wha?

I’m feeling okay. Good even, unbelievably. Straight after The Visit this afternoon we attended an art exhibition opening at a local gallery (my auntie’s work). Mingled, drank wine, ate finger food, life as normal. Lots of family members there who already knew thanks to my sister lol! Then I had dinner with my Mum and Dad, more red wine, and another glass as I catch up with the myriad of messages and emails (done) and pass on the bad news here there and everywhere. Liam stayed the night at Glen’s as my appointment was late, we had the exhibition, and I had no idea what sort of state I’d be in.

Tomorrow I might be flat on the ground and unable to move, but for now I feel good. I still have to come to terms with the reality of it.

I have breast cancer. Holy Mother of God. How did that happen?

I really have to say huge huge thanks for all the loving and caring I am getting from family and friends. I am truly blessed, and humbled, and so very very grateful.

I love people right now. Yes I do.

Edit: I forgot this. My father gave it to me today.

THE MICHAEL MEDITATION

I must eradicate from my soul all fear and terror
of what comes towards me from out of the future.

I must acquire serenity in all feelings and sensations
about the future.

I must look forward with absolute equanimity to all that may come,
and I must think only that whatever comes to me
is given to me by a world direction full of wisdom.

It is part of what I must learn in this age,
namely to live out of pure trust, without any security in my existence,
trust in the ever present help of the spiritual world.

Truly, nothing else will do if my courage is not to fail me.

Let me properly discipline my will,
and seek the inner awakening,
every morning
and every evening.

Rudolf Steiner.

Currently reading :
Pride and Prejudice
Release date: 04 March, 2003

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Thoughts (my brain is a plasma ball)

12 March, 2008

* I’m confused. So confused. My head is such a jumble of feelings. And not just about the tumour either. So much for mindfulness. I haven’t been doing great with that lately. Yes, confusion is uppermost, sadness up there with it.

* I can’t even afford Liam’s school photos on Friday. A measly $35. The imaging place wanted money upfront. The surgeon on Tuesday wants money upfront. Thankfully my doctor bulk-billed me yesterday (for the non-Australians, that means I didn’t have to pay. The government does). I had to scrounge $1.50 from Liam’s wallet today to pay for his special Hot Dog Lunch tomorrow at school, in honour of St Patricks Day.

* How the hell do they make green hot dogs? I have felt like vomiting all since yesterday’s visit with the doctor; green hot dogs makes the rising gorge feeling more prominent lol!

* Tomorrow I might just pray. How’s that for a turn up? The school is having a liturgy at morning assembly for St Patrick and St Joseph (the school’s patron saint). Me the non-Catholic Catholic. Usually I’m inclined to do a non-prayer prayer to the Buddha of Compassion. Visualising him in my minds eye is one of the most calming and quieting things in the world. That can bring such peach just in istself.

* Talking of things spiritual, I’ve even had a brief moment of having my spiritual beliefs shaken. I believe in karma, in fate to a degree (though there is always free will) that things happen for a reason and we are here to grow in each successive life time. Now, I’ve briefly wondered (I haven’t let myself dwell there yet) whether it’s all bullshit. Whether life is all just one big random event with no real purpose.

* The Breast The Breast The Breast. the tumour the tumour the tumour (I refuse to capitalise that). Is this what my life is going to be ALL about in the coming weeks, possibly longer?

* The ticking of the clock on the wall has new meaning.

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Lumps, breasts and fear

5 March, 2008

I’ve sat here for ages trying to think of a suitable subject line for this one to no avail … do I be funny or do I be serious? You can’t quite get many more serious subjects than every woman’s nightmare … finding a nasty lump in her breast.

My boobs, to be frank, have always been my best asset (well that is until pregnancy and breastfeeding wreaked the usual changes on them–nothing that a nice little ‘lift’ wouldn’t fix). So how ironic that now one of them is potentially ‘under attack’.

Last week I had to go to my doctor because I had found a lump in my breast. I noticed it maybe about two weeks prior. My breast had actually been quite sore and achey at times over the last few months but I hadn’t taken much notice of it. This lump … is BIG. Like peach-pit size. I was concerned, but wasn’t letting myself worry too much. After all, 90% of lumps in breasts are not cancerous. I have no family history of it at all, and the fact that it is sore and aching probably means it is something else, like a cyst. So I was pretty sure it was probably going to be a cyst.

So I calmly, though concernedly, took myself off to the doctor, who had a good grope of both sides and proceeded to put the fear of God into me. He said he thought it was too hard to be a cyst. That he would be less concerned if I had lumpy breasts, but in fact my breasts were quite smooth (insert moment of embarrassed discomfort here). Didn’t you always want to know that about me? Lots of info in THIS blog! And that he was not going to pat me on the head and tell me everything was going to be okay.

In addition to this, he tells me he wants to remove a suspect mole on my left breast. Oh JOY. We all know what kind of scars mole removal makes. Great big long and scary ones. Now I’m terrified that not only do I potentially have breast cancer, but that both boobs are going to end up scarred and mangled.

The doctors office henceforth proceeded to organise a mammogram and ultrasound for me, which I couldn’t get until tomorrow. I’ve never had a mammogram before. I’ve heard other women affectionally term them “slammograms”. I’ve been assured by small breasted women that it hurts more on small breasts because there’s less to squash. I’ve been told by big breasted women that it hurts more when you have big breasts (as I do) because … well whatever reason. Suffice to say, I’m not looking forward to it, in so many ways.

The doctor has requested that the report be emailed directly to him, but as for how or when I receive any news I don’t know. I suspect that it will just show that the lump is there (which you can’t bloody MISS — ask my sister I let her cop a good feel lol!) and that a needle biopsy will then have to be arranged to find out what sort of lump it is. Yum. Such fun and games.

So … yeah. I officially freaked out over the weekend. Of course, it’s natural to wonder if I’m going to loose my breast, end up a deformed freak, and never know the pleasure of a loving intimate relationship with anyone again (no doubt it would be enough to disgust even the most loving of men). And natural to wonder worse … if I will DIE from the bloody thing. Whether the travelling I am meant to do later this year to meet with a special someone will in fact happen or whether this will jeopardize everything. Potentially so much to loose. And just when I thought everything was on the up. When the down-slope had come to it’s end. Yes, I freaked out, and I really made someone shitty with my freaking out too 🙂 I ended up spending the weekend at my parents’ where it is a haven, a true retreat, plenty of trees and wildlife, acres and peace. And a HUGE deep bathtub (hence the shitty poem blogged previously). And as a result feel somewhat calmer.

I still know intellectually that most lumps aren’t malignant and all of that I’ve said above. I’m calm now, quietly waiting I guess. No doubt when the time comes tomorrow when I have to strip off my top and bra and have my breasts groped, squashed and minutely examined I will be feeling sick to my stomach. No doubt I will freak out again when I see the actual ultrasound screen. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Most likely a trip to a city down south to the major cancer hospital nearest us for a day of more tests, which seems to be the norm for anyone who has suspect mammograms.

*sigh*

Ladies, check your breasts, as we all know we are supposed to. This MUST have been a smaller lump at some stage that I should have caught earlier. I let myself get too blase about it. (That’s meant to be blar-zay with a thingy on top of an e don’t you know). Most likely this will end up to be a happy story with a relieved “Thank GOD” at the end, but you just never know … check those breasts! Or better yet, have your partner do it for you.

Currently reading :
To the Lighthouse
By Virginia Woolf
Release date: 27 December, 1989

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Communing with Elementals (Baptism)

2 March, 200813 July, 2016

Communing with Elementals
(Baptism)

Mirrored candlelight licks
at the shore of luminescent abdomen,
jewels slip from my fingertips
drip – drip – drip
sending ripples of Undine-song
to caress my glistening body

While in the distance Grandfather time chimes an octameter …

Blake can look at a knot in the ceiling
until he screams.
I know what he means …

Will it extinguish me, this invader
that sits
and waits
it’s chance?

Shhh
Let the Undines soothe it.
Let the Salamanders enchant you
with their dance.

Shhh …

I rise upward
Mist rises from my nakedness
My body encrusted with the jewels
glitters
a dragonfly perched on my shoulder
The Undines kiss me farewell
as they trickle away

and he says:

“Let me whisper a secret to you
(in my sleepy haze, your sleepy haze):
Wonder not who, wonder not why
wonder not about the future,
or about dreams,
or about him.
Wonder not.”

and the Salamanders flicker
and die.

copyright 2008, me. And all of that.

Written this weekend, while on a necessary and peaceful ‘retreat’. It still needs a lot of work, to my mind.

The second last stanza was from a poem written for me by a close friend, whom I thank from the bottom of my heart, once again.

Simply … I took a bath 🙂 And composed this while in there. Figure it out lol.

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Passion vs Puzzlement

26 February, 2008

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on that sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Dylan Thomas

The Old Fools

What do they think has happened, the old fools,
To make them like this? Do they somehow suppose
It’s more grown-up when your mouth hangs open and drools,
And you keep on pissing yourself, and can’t remember
Who called this morning? Or that, if they only chose,
They could alter things back to when they danced all night,
Or went to their wedding, or sloped arms some September?
Or do they fancy there’s really been no change,
And they’ve always behaved as if they were crippled or tight,
or sat through days of thin continuous dreaming
Watching light move? If they don’t (and they can’t), it’s strange:
Why aren’t they screaming?

At death, you break up: the bits that were you
Start speeding away from each other for ever
With no one to see. It’s only oblivion, true:
We had it before, but then it was going to end,
And was all the time merging with a unique endeavour
To bring to bloom the million-petaled flower
Of being here. Next time you can’t pretend
There’ll be anything else. And these are the first signs:
Not knowing how, not hearing who, the power
Of choosing gone. Their looks show that they’re for it:
Ash hair, toad hands, prune face dried into lines –
How can they ignore it?

Perhaps being old is having lighted rooms
Inside your head, and people in them, acting
People you know, yet can’t quite name; each looms
Like a deep loss restored, from known doors turning,
Setting down a lamp, smiling from a stair, extracting
A known book from the shelves; or sometimes only
The rooms themselves, chairs and a fire burning,
The blown bush at the window, or the sun’s
Faint friendliness on the wall some lonely
Rain-ceased midsummer evening. That is where they live:
Not here and now, but where all happened once.
This is why they give

An air of baffled absence, trying to be there
Yet being here. For the rooms grow farther, leaving
Incompetent cold, the constant wear and tear
Of taken breath, and them crouching below
Extinction’s alp, the old fools, never perceiving how near it is.

This must be what keeps them quiet:
The peak that stays in view wherever we go
For them is rising ground. Can they never tell
What is dragging them back, and how it will end? Not at night?
Not when the strangers come? Never, throughout
The whole hideous, inverted childhood? Well,
We shall find out.

Philip Larkin

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Solitude

24 February, 2008

Yes I’ve been collecting magpie feathers and shiny bits of glass again to place in my blog for safe keeping.

I was reading Philip Larkin’s poem Best Society tonight and thought I’d include it in a blog about solitude and study and enforced solitude due to study and on and on. However, I kept reading at my pleasure and found another poem by Larkin on solitude (and many other poems of his that I really enjoy) and so now there is no room on here for any chatter a la Julia, which would have ultimately been incredibly boring anyway. The short story being … I’ve been flat out studying while playing catch up, and loving it. I read a news article (I think in the NY Times) about the semi-colon this week and was delighted. I’m truly an English major by nature, and I’m definitely a big self-confessed (yet happy) nerd who is rather passionate about poetry and literature and loves to study 🙂 See–boring.

I think this are way more interesting than anything I was going to say:

Best Society

When I was a child, I thought,
Casually, that solitude
Never needed to be sought.
Something everybody had,
Like nakedness, it lay at hand,
Not specially right or specially wrong,
A plentiful and obvious thing
Not at all hard to understand.

Then, after twenty, it became
At once more difficult to get
And more desired – though all the same
More undesirable; for what
You are alone has, to achieve
The rank of fact, to be expressed
In terms of others, or it’s just
A compensating make-believe.

Much better stay in company!
To love you must have someone else,
Giving requires a legatee,
Good neighbours need whole parishfuls
Of folk to do it on – in short,
Our virtues are all social; if,
Deprived of solitude, you chafe,
It’s clear you’re not the virtuous sort.

Viciously, then, I lock my door.
The gas-fire breathes. The wind outside
Ushers in evening rain. Once more
Uncontradicting solitude
Supports me on its giant palm;
And like a sea-anemone
Or simple snail, there cautiously
Unfolds, emerges, what I am.

Vers De Société

My wife and I have asked a crowd of craps
To come and waste their time and ours: perhaps
You’d care to join us? In a pig’s arse, friend.
Day comes to an end.
The gas fire breathes, the trees are darkly swayed.
And so Dear Warlock-Williams: I’m afraid–

Funny how hard it is to be alone.
I could spend half my evenings, if I wanted,
Holding a glass of washing sherry, canted
Over to catch the drivel of some bitch
Who’s read nothing but Which;
Just think of all the spare time that has flown

Straight into nothingness by being filled
With forks and faces, rather than repaid
Under a lamp, hearing the noise of wind,
And looking out to see the moon thinned
To an air-sharpened blade.
A life, and yet how sternly it’s instilled

All solitude is selfish. No one now
Believes the hermit with his gown and dish
Talking to God (who’s gone too); the big wish
Is to have people nice to you, which means
Doing it back somehow.
Virtue is social. Are, then, these routines

Playing at goodness, like going to church?
Something that bores us, something we don’t do well
(Asking that ass about his fool research)
But try to feel, because, however crudely,
It shows us what should be?
Too subtle, that. Too decent, too. Oh hell,

Only the young can be alone freely.
The time is shorter now for company,
And sitting by a lamp more often brings
Not peace, but other things.
Beyond the light stand failure and remorse
Whispering Dear Warlock-Williams: Why, of course–

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On mindfulness and Tonglen

18 February, 2008

“Undisciplined squads of emotion.”–TS Eliot

He could have been talking about me. Yup … all of you here understand this at least about me! I live primarily where my emotions take me.

I have been thinking quite a lot about mindfulness lately. It’s as if Teh Universe keeps prodding me with a stick, saying “learn this”. Discussions I’ve had with unconnected people (that is, to each other). Things I’ve read. Such ongoing synchronicity. And each thing after the other settling that little bit deeper in me.

I’m very well aware of how deeply I live in my emotions. How I feel every moment and feel everyone else’s moments as well 🙂 How I’d bend to the will of my moods. How undisciplined it is, as TS Eliot said.

“I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger than reason.”–Anais Nin.

My friend Rena said of herself “But it also delivers me into the arms of intense beauty, sensitivity, and a lot of other wonderful things.” and so it applies to me too. The enjoyment and the soul in music, poetry, literature and art for one thing. It can be a beautiful thing, this living in extremes of emotion, but it can also something entirely too solipsistic and anxiety-making by the act of wallowing, the giving the emotion full reign over me.

And so I’ve been thinking of mindfulness in relation to emotion. Mindfulness, properly speaking, is about being mindful of your thoughts. Of having the ability to watch your thoughts as if from outside, without judgement of the thoughts or yourself. About realising you the person, and your thoughts, are two different things, as in “I am not my thoughts”. The separation of thoughts from the I.

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Melancholia in Middle English

11 February, 2008

The things you find 🙂

I guess I really AM built to be an English major when finds like this, written in Middle English, delight me …

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When I give, I give myself

7 February, 2008

When I give, I give myself.

This is a truism of what I am. A fact. The reality of me. For better or worse. Actually I’m learning it’s for the worse. All for the worse.

There seems to be not a person in existence who can understand this of me. Nor will there ever be, it is becoming abundantly clear, for the rest of my life. Not even the one person in the world who I thought would understand this and value it … no, not in the slightest. And this non-understanding hurts more than any broken back (and I know, I’ve had one). Heart vs back … heart hurts way more.

When I give, I give myself. Whether that be an antiquarian book, a simple favour that was asked, or a piece of poetry written specifically for you, I give you me. Dismiss the giving, the gift, as trivial and insignificant if you wish—it is your right to do so—but understand in so doing you trample on my heart. Even if it is a crappy poem, I poured my soul and my heart into it and it is offered to you with everything I have. *I* am offered to you. Even if it is only something I purchased, I searched and chose it specifically for you, with you in my heart, and I give you my heart and my soul along with the gift.

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