As Gail and Rena are already aware, lately I’ve been in a bit of a state. My moods have been up and down and this week I’ve been barely hanging on by a thread. Might as well throw the anti-depressants in the bin because they are not working – I’ve been that far down.
I thought this was caused by something that is very personal in regard to somebody, a rather unique bond, but in composing an email to this person I came to a rather huge realisation. My current distress is not caused by my situation with the person I referred to above – yes there is an element there but in retrospect it’s rather a minor irritation.
Next week my sister’s trial starts. Or rather my ex brother-in-law’s trial starts. I don’t even know what the charges are properly. He should be on trial for sexual assault and attempted murder, as he tried to choke her to death and nearly succeeded. But I suspect he has only been charged for sexual assault for the rape. I shouldn’t be talking about this of course without the word “alleged” everywhere but I’m confident that this blog is about as private as it gets – Laura, Rena, Ernest and Debs being the only readers. I’m doing the telling here rather than on a filter on LJ so that Ernest is able to read it too. Also so I don’t have to repeat the whole thing in multiple emails – it’s too depressing to type out over and over again.
I have been by Helena’s side on this one from the start. Even members of our own family have made that awful uninformed suggestion that she must have ‘provoked’ it in some way. Helena feels I’m the one person who has totally had her back in this, and I’ve promised from the start to be by her side during the trial. It also makes perfect sense because this was my paid JOB previously. Not in trials but in matters and hearings. This trial is going to be a closed court and she is only allowed one support person inside with her and that will be me.
My big aha moment was that I realised that I have a lot of subconscious responses coming up about this. We are about to relive the whole awful experience. We are going to come face to face with the bastard. We will hear all sorts of appalling things. I am going to have to watch my 10yo nephew give evidence again. I was the one with him when he gave his statement to the police too – that was the most heartbreaking thing hearing him tell that story. Mixed in with all of this is responses welling up about being sacked this year. I’m going back to one of my ‘workplaces’ so to speak – the courthouse. Although we won’t be in the same court – we will be in District court while they are only in Local court – I will come face to face with other workers I haven’t seen since the day I was hauled over the coals. Thankfully I won’t have to come in contact with the Bitch Boss because she doesn’t work for the DV scheme just the neighbourhood centre. (And btw, I have since found out – for those not already in the know – that one staff member resigned not long after I was sacked and one management committee also resigned because of the way I was treated.)
So – massive amounts of angst and anxiety and it’s telling that as I type this the anxiety response, though slight, is starting to happen. It’s also very telling that when I typed this out to my friend as I was thinking it, a massive amount of weight lifted off me and I felt a sense of calm. I’m taking that to be a response to the truth of the matter.
Hopefully this will all be over and done with next week, the bastard’s arse will be in the slammer and life can resume on a more even keel. However we’re number 2 on the list – meaning there is a chance that the first trial will go ahead and then we will be put back until September. God I hope not.
So. That’s why I’ve been a bit silent… hopefully next week will be a big cartharsis.
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