“Strange that I was a child
so meek and mild
with a tempest of visions within my brain.
There was a time–
it was only for awhile–
when I feared for the pain of loneliness.
Strange to be here again–
oh near again–
to the realization of solitude.
There was a time
when I would not call you friend,
but I’m fearless hereafter of loving you…”
Lyrics from “Daath” performed by Imogene.
Written by David Melbye
permission granted for use by David Melbye
The “burden” of solitude in gifted people. It is what we crave, what in the end we realise is essential to our healthiness. Yet we often are left grappling with ‘our domain’ – solitude (ie aloneness) vs loneliness.
Many gifted people have experienced social isolation and loneliness as children and because of this develop tolerance or a preference for isolation. They are often alienated by their peers, thought of as ‘weird’ because they don’t understand or view the world the same, assumed to be ‘stuck up’ because they are smart.
Even in adulthood the gifted can have recurring feelings of isolation and being misunderstood.
From Arousing the Sleeping Giant: Giftedness in Adult Psychotherapy:
“It is common to observe a striking habit of self-monitoring and self-guidance, personal insight and metacognition.” […] “They are inclined to disclose exceedingly high standards for themselves and others, a perfection orientation, an intolerance for mundane tasks, idealism, and an injurious habit of self-criticism.”
(In other words – we are way too hard on ourselves. We tend to be our own worst enemies.)
“Not unexpectedly, gifted adults are prone to periods of existential depression.” […]
“Most have been aware since early childhood that they are inherently different, though they may not know in what ways, and typically believe their differences are disreputable. Likewise they may eventually admit to chronic experiences of deep loneliness in spite of a preference for working alone.
In addition, many have been berated for being picky, perfectionistic, or overly-committed to orderliness.
Gifted adults may fail to respect their own need for solitude, reflection, and time to daydream or play with concepts and ideas.”
Gifted adults are introverted creatures. Introversion itself can lead to isolation.
From “Gifted People and Their Problems” by Francis Heylighen
“When you’re introverted in an introverted culture, there’s more acceptance; but America is a very extroverted culture. To be introverted in an extroverted culture is to sort of give you a double whammy. So along with understanding what giftedness is all about, it’s important to understand what introversion is all about, and that it’s a normal temperament, and they really get their energy from solitude. So they need that solitude. That’s healthy.”
Gifted adults need time for inner life experiences, and to understand themselves. Because it takes quiet time to clarify thoughts and feelings, they need contemplation, solitude and daydreaming.
Developing peer relationships with gifted kindred spirits is important to combat isolation. The internet is now often providing the means to find and explore relationships. (Personal aside: God Bless Myspace!).
“If no one else hears the flowers singing, they may experience alienation and eventually an existential depression.”
From “Existential Depression in Gifted Individuals” – by James T. Webb, Ph.D. [excerpt]
“It has been my experience that gifted and talented persons are more likely to experience a type of depression referred to as existential depression. Although an episode of existential depression may be precipitated in anyone by a major loss or the threat of a loss which highlights the transient nature of life, persons of higher intellectual ability are more prone to experience existential depression spontaneously.
Existential depression is a depression that arises when an individual confronts certain basic issues of existence. Yalom (1980) describes four such issues (or “ultimate concerns”) — death, freedom, isolation and meaninglessness. Death is an inevitable occurrence. Freedom, in an existential sense, refers to the absence of external structure. That is, humans do not enter a world which is inherently structured. We must give the world a structure which we ourselves create. Isolation recognizes that no matter how close we become to another person, a gap always remains, and we are nonetheless alone. Meaninglessness stems from the first three. If we must die, if we construct our own world, and if each of us is ultimately alone, then what meaning does life have?
Why should such existential concerns occur disproportionately among gifted persons? Partially, it is because substantial thought and reflection must occur to even consider such notions, rather than simply focusing on superficial day-to-day aspects of life.
It is such existential issues that lead many of our gifted individuals to bury themselves so intensively in “causes” (whether these causes are academics, political or social causes, or cults). Unfortunately, these existential issues can also prompt periods of depression, often mixed with desperate, thrashing attempts to “belong.” Helping these individuals to recognize the basic existential issues may help, but only if done in a kind and accepting way.
from GT Adults
“Clive Hazell, PhD, author of The Experience of Emptiness, speaks of a related existential despair: our experience of emotional trauma and the feeling of remorse that the trauma contributed to a “life unlived” – a feeling of existential guilt: “I have committed the crime of not living, and I shall never live.”
Other experiences such as anxiety can be associated with existential despair. In my article Fear and creativity is a quote from Eric Maisel , PhD: “… only a small percentage of creative people work as often or as deeply as, by all rights, they might be expected to work. What stops them? Anxiety or some face of anxiety like doubt, worry, or fear. Anxiety is the great silencer of the creative person.”
And in his article In Praise of Positive Obsessions, Dr. Maisel talks about an antidote: “Positive obsessions.. are the fruit of a creator’s efforts to make meaning. Without positive obsessions, life is dull, dreary, and meaningless.”
And so … more synchronicity. I have talked about Eric Maisel before in my blog … way way back. So way back I may have even deleted it. I may have mentioned Eric Maisel to one or two of you in our discussions about this topic.
The gifted people who are self-actualizing are apparently the ones who are least prone to bouts of existential depression. The people who realise and utilise their basic need for solitude, yet have a supportive network of kindred spirits and family and friends.
Solitude is a necessity. It allows us to create. It is rejuvenating. It is to be embraced.
And so I leave you again with David’s beautiful lyrics. Maybe you’ll get more out of them having read through the article. I hope they touch you with their meaning, reader, as they have touched me – deeply and personally.
“Strange that I was a child
so meek and mild
with a tempest of visions within my brain.
There was a time–
it was only for awhile–
when I feared for the pain of loneliness.
Strange to be here again–
oh near again–
to the realization of solitude.
There was a time
when I would not call you friend,
but I’m fearless hereafter of loving you…”