There have been some things I’ve mentioned lately in previous blogs, and things I’ve mentioned in blogs long back, that relate to this post today.
My ‘quiet’ weekend and a few talks with close friends lately have helped me to make some pretty big (for me) realisations about the way my life’s been heading (or not) this year. As a result of these things, especially the chats I’ve had, I’m feeling a bit more focussed and quite excited and inspired about ‘getting back on the path’.
Backstory. I had this year all planned. I had planned to focus on creative endeavours this year. Honing skills, trying new things, really working at making meaning out of my life through my creative pursuits. I started vocal coaching with a very talented voice/drama/music teacher I greatly respect, I was going to later on sign up for some guitar lessons (I’m self taught and have a pretty basic set of skills there and would like to become comfortable in accompanying myself when I sing). I was even going to audition for the local amateur theatre group when they put their next musical on and try that for a laugh. I was going to concentrate on drawing maybe not every day, but often. And I was going to spend time working through my Eric Maisel books. The musical director of the chorus I am in also had great plans for the chorus this year (which haven’t come to pass – she’s been too busy so far this year and we haven’t even gotten together to practice).
But in March, I got fired from my job. I own up to my own part in it (I do not want to go into details except to say the workplace was very uncomfortable and led to a lot of stress) but there was also a bit of an element of a witch hunt in it. One committee member resigned because of the way I was treated, and a staff member resigned because they’d had enough themselves not long after. It just is not a healthy place to be. Anyone who values their role as an employee and prides themselves on doing a good job who has ever been fired, can tell you what an intensely humiliating and shameful experience it is. It’s right up there on those lists of life events that cause stress – you know the ones – getting the sack ranks right up there with death of a loved one and divorce. Being in a very small country town, my place of work was also tied up with my social life – my friends tend to work in the same field, even work/are on the management committee in the place where I worked. And my boss was in that social circle. After I was fired, that meant not only the end of my job but the end of my social circle. My group of friends, my book group, the little ‘film society’ – all gone. I ended up with a severe anxiety problem and some depression and couldn’t leave the house for a while. All thankfully not a problem now, but my point in mentioning all of this is, I guess, to show how much turmoil it threw my life into. Apart from no longer being able to financially afford the things I had planned, I lost sight of those creative goals I had made for the year. They just weren’t important in the bigger scheme of things.
I have blogged for a few years now, but only for around the last 6 months on myspace. Since I’ve started blogging on here, I’m doing it on a just as regular basis as before, but I think a more serious basis. But what are my reasons for blogging here? Most of them I’ve already talked about. My personal reasons. But something I hadn’t realised is that I’m now using blogging as a place to pour all of my creative energies into. It’s become a kind of subsitute for all of my other creative endeavours.
Having this pointed out to me was one of those “bing” or aha moments. Why hadn’t I realised that? Probably because I don’t consider myself a writer and have never thought I used writing as creative expression before (except for my few lame attempts at poetry). I also felt the need to justify my blogging to a special friend this week who doesn’t ‘get’ that this is a valid thing – that there actually is fantastic writing, poetry, art of all types on myspace beyond music. So I guess there, although I don’t include myself in that lot, it shows a subconscious mindset that this is valid, creatively.
But in using this as my only creative outlet … I’ve been neglecting my honest-to-God creative life. My need for making music, my drawing. Now drawing isn’t easy for me. But I find when I plug my ears up with music and lock myself away from the world and draw, I get in a zone that I don’t get into at any other time.”The” zone that sports people talk of, artists of all types. A zone where time has absolutely no meaning or reference. Where outside noise and interferences disappear entirely. I bliss out. It is so extremely energising. Someone asked me today whether I get the same feeling from writing here, publicly, as I do making music by myself or drawing and I had to say … no. I don’t get in the zone. I don’t bliss out like I do drawing or get that deep satisfaction that I do from making music, the sense of calm. Blogging is satisfying in that it is public and you can get feedback and discussion from it, yes. And it has really helped my writing. It honestly has. I feel I am a better writer. And my poems are definitely improving lol (though that doesn’t take much).
Strangely, before all of this thought and discussion on creative processes and blogging, as I talked about a couple of blogs back I got out the keyboard and played. And found the old music from all those years ago and played. It’s been quite a weekend (the weekend previous to this) and week … and there has been a definite path happening through it. Things that have occurred totally seperately but link up to show something obvious happening.
After talking with a gf this week with whom I have a unique bond, I have seen that I need to get back on course. I need to spend the bulk of my creative time in music, maybe drawing but not so much – primarily music. Some of you will remember a blog a while ago now on my relationship with music as a child, how important a part it has played in my life and how I have ‘wasted’ what I was given there. I have been denying this part of me way too long. Not having my singing group happening this year has made a huge difference in the neglect too, I admit. So I intend to spend some time picking up my guitars, plonking away on my keyboard – in lieu of a piano which I will someday have again. Start composing again. Making myself draw, and very importantly, working through my creativity coaching book by Eric Maisel, and perhaps even pick up the old Julia Cameron books as well. Focus focus focus.
This does not mean I will not be blogging. I’ll shamefacedly admit that I do enjoy a little of the publicness of it. The other things I do are intensely private (apart from the singing when I’m performing in the chorus). What it means is that I have to concentrate on doing the other things first. But luckily, as I’m still not working yet (there are upsides!) I have the time to manage both. I don’t know what it will mean in the long run about how I blog. But I guess you might be able to expect lots of self-absorbed shit about trying to get my creative life back on track now 🙂
Another thing … with all of this, but in particular the last blog where I asked questions on how everyone else deals with anger, I realise that I really need to get back to private journalling. Via pen and paper. I’ve been intensely personal about some things on here, but it can get deeper, much much deeper, and then there are the instances where I might really need to use it as a tool for releasing more intense emotion, which I haven’t been using writing for lately either. I thank everyone for their input into that blog by the way – it has helped me come up with some alternatives to try, and maybe others too. So. The private journalling. Again, I have no idea what impact that might have on any writing I do on here. Remains to be seen. But I do know I need to attempt to spend less time online 🙂
And I’m going to try and start now because it’s early in the morning and I’m finally beginning to feel the need for sleep.