B and E – hedonism and debauchery

It started innocently enough as a girls’ night out – a birthday dinner for a friend at The Cauldron, one of the trendiest nightclubs at King’s Cross. Maybe not quite so innocent – someone bought my friend a big black vibrator as a gag gift, and it spent a lot of time dancing in the centre of our dinner table. After dinner we moved on to Metropolis … a new, uber cool nightclub in North Sydney. It was so cool that I felt terribly out place, and spent most of the time sitting at the table with a drink trying not to be seen, until B came bopping along and asked me to dance. He was very persuasive and quite lovely …I relented. He was gorgeous, a lot of fun, a great dancer, intriguing, Yugoslavian, and he slipped an ecstasy tab on my tongue. Only an hour before my friend had been telling me how she had come to this very same place a week ago and tried her first eccie … and how fantastic it was. I was horrified … astounded my friend had done that. I was firmly anti-drugs … although I had smoked pot occasionally in the past. Yet here I was … allowing myself to be fed the very thing I had been appalled at one hour earlier.

No longer feeling insecure and out of place … oh no. I danced, and danced and danced. I was in love with the entire world … I had never felt so good in my life. B. took me back to the Cauldron where we danced some more. I had never felt so sensual in my entire life. Anyone who knows the effects of ecstasy can very well guess how that night ended 🙂 And it was, without a doubt, the best sex I had ever had in my entire life. Due to the ecstasy, but in part also to B.

Hence started a relationship of pure hedonism and debauchery with B. Having just come out of a seven year long abusive relationship, this was a time of losing inhibitions and maybe even rebelling against the conformity and control of the last seven years. B and I would spend every Friday and Saturday night together, starting out at the Metropolis, moving on to clubs in Kings Cross, usually the Cauldron or the underground Ziggurat – very hard core dance scene. And we’d always end up at my place where we’d spend the rest of the night and the next day, not sleeping. The second night I had ecstasy, I needed a lot more than I had the first time to get the same feeling. We drunk shaker fulls of Kamikaze’s continuously, and when we couldn’t get E we would use speed or coke. The sex just got better and better. I was addicted. Not only to E or whatever else I could get, but B and the sex we had. I’ve never had it so good since – he was good and the ecstacy was better.

Morally, I never felt good about the drugs. During the week I was working in the public relations for the welfare arm of a religious organisation. Even though I was just an employee and not a member of the religion, I had to join in with the rest of them for morning prayers. I always felt like a huge hypocrite, but secretly I kind of dug it … my ‘double life’, if I really tell the truth about it. (Strangely, this was also the only place where I have been sexually harassed at work … by a member of the religion.)

After a few months things started to change. There was always this other girl that I was fully aware of on the fringes. She was often with her girlfriends at the same nightclub, and he told me stories of the things they had done together and her ‘tragic’ life as a stripper. I know that he saw her on the nights he didn’t see me. But I ignored it. One night she turned up at the Cauldron. B deposited me on a lounge and disappeared from what felt like hours. I eventually got up and went looking for him. There he was with this girl, and his mate and his girlfriend, about to leave the club. I asked him to get my bag, and he took me out to put me in a cab. I was devastated and he was so apologetic, but of course went back into the club to this girl. Afterwards followed plenty of sweet apologies and grovelling, in his particular style that would melt my heart. Stupid!! I am an intelligent person – I can’t believe I let him treat me like that.

One day, a few weeks earlier, he had called me at work in a flat panic because he didn’t have the money to make his loan payment and he was a few weeks overdue to begin with. I played right into his hands and went to the bank, put the money in an envelope, and sent the money via cab from Surry Hills to North Sydney. I was that besotted. After this incident with the girl had passed, he sweet talked me into something way more serious. He had a deal, he said, that would make all of us some money. With his persuasion I took out all of the money that remained in my bank account – a few thousand dollars that was all I managed to save up while I was living in the previous abusive relationship. I again sent it to him in an envelope via taxi cab. The idea was to buy a bulk amount of dope and sell it. I was very very uncomfortable with it, it was so totally against my personal ethics, but I was so far in it took nothing to persuade me.

He started to find excuses to not see me quite as much after that. I would get more and more miserable not only because I wasn’t seeing him, but because I wasn’t getting high. And coming down is so depressing. Within a few weeks, after I had constantly questioned what was going on with ‘the deal’, he eventually confessed that I wasn’t going to be getting anything back out of it. He said the dope, which was in a brief case, had been stolen out of his friend’s car. Now, of course, I don’t believe that for a nano second. I don’t know what he did with my money but I never got a cent back. After the confession, the rot really set in. He started trying to avoid me all of the time. One Friday night, after he told me he wasn’t feeling well and would be staying home, I took myself off to the Metropolis. Of course he was there, hanging around with a mate. And now me. But this time, he was deliberately being cruel and giving me the cold shoulder. He went as far as pointing out ‘the other woman’, who was hanging around the bar (in view of us, of course), to his mate and told him that all he wanted for his next birthday was to fuck the girl because she was the best he ever had.

After a night of being ignored and humiliated, I took myself home, drank half a bottle of my flat mate’s Jack Daniel’s Black Label, and swallowed a bottle of valium.