It is winter here in the Land of Oz, and a colder winter than it has been in many a mild year. But it is not the cold of winter, in a physical sense, of which I speak here. Yet … “now is the winter of my discontent”.
I’ve not really been my usual self for a while. I’ve been blogging about mythology, movies, music; I’ve been pasting poetry, prose, old posts … anything to distract me. A friend said to me in an email … “you seem pretty quiet about your life lately”. And so I have been. And hadn’t really realised it totally until she said it.
I have been feeling restless for a while now. Not angsty in a despairing writhing kind of way … but a trifle melancholy none the less. Uneasy. Remember me saying a while back that I felt fragile and translucent, like one of Laura’s glass animals in The Glass Menagerie? Well a friend, the same friend, shared something with me that totally defined the feeling. Better than I ever could have. From a Suzanne Vega song:
Today I am
a small blue thing
made of china
made of glass
A small blue thing indeed. Who’s brain is saying “stop”. I feel as if the only thing I really want to do is just sit. Be still … be quiet. Be away from people … I’m having to force myself to communicate a lot of the time. I feel as if I am in stasis right now. I feel myself growing away from the world again … “the distance of creeping coldness”… apart from other people … the knowing that I’m not really known, not even by those close to me. The sadness at knowing that people I thought had some idea of what I am, don’t. Even those “rare finds of my kind”.
There is only one person, one in the entire universe, who I feel totally ‘gets’ me. Knows me as well as I know myself, and in some aspects, better. Who has no false judgements about me for good or ill (that I know of anyway hehe). I think she is the one person, on the planet Earth, who really does believe in my integrity. The same friend who I spoke of above. A soul-sister of sorts who lives half a world away (yes, we have met). I know without a doubt this will be embarrassing her, but I am deeply humbled and honoured by her friendship.When I return to this place, as I always do, this place of eternal self-reflection and solitary self-imposed confinement, I’m always made aware of one thing … the lack of ‘making meaning’ in my life via (yes here we go again) creative pursuits. I’ve yammered on about it enough the last month or so and still have done nothing, beyond one piece of crappy poetry. I feel stilted, stuck and static. I become unhappy when I’m not giving myself a creative outlet. I am, essentially, a total fraud.
So I return, as I always do, to Eric Maisel, creativity coach for writers, actors, visual artists and musicians, and his excellent books. In particular “Coaching the Artist Within” and “Fearless Creating”. Of course, I have never actually finished working through either of the books. I have started over and again … but never followed through. Even though I get so much value out of them. So much clarity and inspiration. But it feels like such a Sisyphean task … an absurd, interminable task that I’m bound to repeat over and over again without ever reaching an end. Amen.
And so … guess what? Here we have a return to the old posts of yore – the self absorbed introspective delving into my solipsistic self. I’m inviting you to join me on my journey to attempt to rediscover some creative impetus in my life. Maybe by doing this in the public arena of my blog I am making myself accountable … that frightens me a little.
Of course, it’s not only my creative self I’ve been neglecting, but my spiritual life as well. Which of course only contributes to the feeling of being not quite tethered to my world. I resolve now, to meditate once a day. Just this … to begin with.
The aim is to perhaps not feel like a small blue thing, but perhaps a beautiful flying blue thing. Dragonfly … mystical, change and being okay with it, sparking the fire of creative imagination …
Here’s a question … is it “being creative” when you are singing/playing music that someone else has written? It’s not like you are creating something from nothing … somebody else has already done that for you and you are merely playing the notes etc that are written. Or practising technical exercises say? hmmm…
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Currently listening : Disintegration By The Cure Release date: 01 May, 1989 |
In the end, I don’t think we’re accountable to anyone but ourselves. Nobody matters here but you. And you should do what helps you get through this.
Not to be all ‘me, me, me’ … but my god you are mirroring me these days. I feel for you. I really do. And I wish we could talk face to face.
Heck, I have a creativity coach and I’m still having problems writing. LOL! So you shouldn’t feel bad. It’s hard to break through resistance.
One tiny block of time a day, and one tiny shred of meaning. Can you give yourself that? Maybe start with singing or playing someone else’s song, then slip into your own once you find some momentum?
Something tells me to send you a link I discovered yesterday:
http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/TypeFourOverview.asp
Don’t know if it will ring as true for you, but it might. And there might be some helpful clues in there.
Another Suzanne Vega song that might speak to you right now:
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/suzannevega/cracking.html
She’s an introverted, introspective lady, she is.
I mention this one too, because years ago when I was feeling that soul-winter feeling I wrote a story inspired by those two songs.
My footsteps are ticking
Like water dripping from a tree
Walking a hairline
And stepping very carefully
Ah…
My heart is broken
It is worn out at the knees
Hearing muffled
Seeing blind
Soon it will hit the Deep Freeze
And something is cracking
I don’t know where
Ice on the sidewalk
Brittle branches
In the air
There comes a thaw eventually. And the dragonflies buzz. 🙂
Damn that was long! Sorry. 🙂
You’re not being ‘me, me, me’ you’re being ‘we, we, we’. I know what you mean though I feel like I’m ALWAYS being me me me in my comments on other peoples blogs. It’s just a way of showing we understand. I wish to God we could sit down and talk too. Boy, wouldn’t we go on 🙂
You’d think I could manage one tiny block a day wouldn’t you? I’m not working … 15 minutes 🙂
Holy Mother of God, Rena. That link … yes I identified myself. Too strongly. It was rather uncanny. And if is correct, then it throws up my whole self image and everything I thought was right about the way I work right up in the air like a pack of cards. And that is terrifying. I know someone else this would fit, but I’m loathe to send it on 🙂 It’s also a little too revealing about me.
They’re fantastic lyrics 🙂
So what if it was long? lol!
Hey, if you ever want to exchange phone #s…. 🙂 We’d have to be careful not to lose track of time though. LOL!
15 minutes is a long time when you’re scared. I don’t care if you have 24 hours of sprawling time to work in … it’s still hard to make that kind of time.
it throws up my whole self image and everything I thought was right about the way I work
I had the same reaction! Remember me griping about PD? Part of it was about that. But if you read through that article carefully, you’ll find clues as to what might be a better path. It’s not a total bummer even if it tosses things about.
Maybe some of us do get mired in our own soup. Maybe that isn’t the way. But there’s inspiration (“Divine Breath”), creativity, flow … all that “self-transcendence” stuff. Lose yourself to find yourself. Guess that’s why that 15 minutes is so hard to put in.
I’ll email you tomorrow morning … I’m in a rush right now to get off the ‘puter, but I did want to touch base with you today. (And, no, not too embarrassed because the feeling is mutual, ya know. ;))
Yes we must do that – next email lol! I have skype too though I need a better headset – the mic’s awful on mine.
15 minutes is an absolute eternity, too, when you’re blocked.
That article did kind of sound a bit of a bummer. Most of it was so bloody negative. I kept thinking … isn’t there anything positive about this personality type at all? Except for one little mention at the bottom and top it sounded like loony tunes. Yes – I must read through it again – less “reactively” (is that possible with me – grrr).
I’m surprised, Rena. I thought there were others that “knew” you. Big hugs.
Yeah, I got that impression too the first time I read it. Maybe it was written by a psychologist for other psychologists who deal more with the loony tunes aspect.
I’m beginning to seriously wonder.
I still haven’t re-read it. I must I must.
And I see what you mean, considering the comments about one of the other personality types you made in your email.