As the morning creeps into the sky…

Hello  blog, I have been neglectful of you. At this point, I am afraid you are nothing but a place to save my thoughts and scraps for me to peruse electronically … at some later stage, if I feel so inclined.

I remembered you at 5am today, after I had no sleep all night long and was reading to try and court that nasty mistress. While the light was only just seeping into the sky, and the kookaburras, willy wagtails, cuckoos … and froglets … singing up a cacophony (yes, I do know that is not a noun), I opened up ‘Buddhism for Mothers’, (thank you Rena!) which is one of the great big pile of books being read/half read/finished on my bedside table  (mine has a nice orange cover – not this pastel horrendisity). I opened it at a particular spot, a perfect spot, and started reading.  I thought to myself, I really need to read this at least once a month, and so, as my repository of scraps, here is the section of which I waffle…

Attachment to our Friends and Loved Ones

The Buddha taught that attachment is the cause of our suffering and unhappiness. This is especially true for our relationships. Attachment makes any good intentions towards others conditional: when someone fails to conform to our rigid expectations, our feelings of friendliness dry up. We hold unspoken demands, expect people to somehow sense these, and then feel bitterly disappointed when they let us down. Neither loving nor caring, attachment fails to nourish our wish for others to be happy. Instead, it makes us clingy and needy.

Real love is motivated by a wish that others be happy and overcome suffering. It is unconditional: the way someone treats you doesn’t affect your response of compassion. If this seems irrational, we need only think of our children, who can behave abominably all day and even profess hatred for us, yet we still love them intensely.

At worst, attachment makes us possessive as we harbour feelings of ownership: she’s ‘mine’ and I must guard this relationship from all threats. We might insist people be the same as us, that they share the same views, interests and tastes. We might try to control them and before long we can’t believe how negatively we feel towards a former source of joy. Real love, on the other hand, provides space and freedom for our friends and family to be themselves.

When we feel attachment, we see our friends as sources of our own happiness rather than people in their own right, but how fair or reasonable is it to make others responsible for our happiness? Relationships, like all phenomena, are characterised by impermanence. They constantly change, just as each individual in a relationship is not a consistent, stable identity. Relying too much on other people for our happiness leads to unhappiness. We need to live with others in a non-demanding, self-sufficient way. If we could stop clinging to our relationships our minds would become more peaceful, freeing us from much anxiety, worry and fear.

(Sarah Napthali,  2003, Buddhism for Mothers, Allen & Unwin, Sydney)

Guess who hasn’t been doing their loving kindness meditations 🙂 Or … any meditation for that matter, for a long time.

Other items of non-interest:

• Very behind in my study. Blueprint assignment for web design unit due in a week, ‘take home exam’ (two small essays, of which we only get advised a week before they are due) for English Lit in a few weeks. So so behind. Liam being on school hols doesn’t help.
• Yeats paper was exhilarating to do, and fascinating, and my thesis will mean either I do brilliantly or flop dramatically, and I am so glad it is over.
• So disorganised and scatter-brained since the whole cancer thing I don’t know if I’ll ever find my way back.
• I’m reading a wonderful collection of short stories by Australian authors at the moment. It’s a free book, given out by the government, to get people reading. A not-for-sale publication. I’m surprised at the quality … because it is a freeby. (Note to self: must now read ‘The Slap’ by Christos Tsiolkas.)
• Have a Fistula Trust fundraiser on 30 October … depending on how organised I am with my assignments (sigh). An afternoon of knitting/crocheting squares for blankets that the Hamlin Fistula Trust has requested for their women to use in hospital. Want to do.
• I’m finding the ‘issue’ of my ex-partner having a new girlfriend is affecting me in surprising ways. Disturbing dreams. I have to admit, though I left him, and it was three years ago, I can’t help feeling very, very sad. He is moving on, finally, and it is what I wanted for him. But I … well, I am feeling happy with my life currently, and don’t pine for a partner, but I do wonder if it will ever happen. I even, stupidly, now 3/4 believe that I am ‘not suitable for relationships’ as I was once told. God DAMN that man (and by ‘that man’ I do not mean my ex), why should I believe that??? I shouldn’t. But I do. ‘Sticks and stones’ is a load of bullshit.
• Another change of academic plans. After scouring every single unit offered by the School of Arts within my university, I have finally decided, yes I have, on my second major. It is called ‘Studies in Religion’, but the connotations of that make it appear it’s all about Christianity. Maybe it should be called ‘Comparative Religions’ or ‘Study in ReligionS’. From ancient Greek/Roman/Egyptian beliefs, to Buddhism/Hinduism/Christianity/Islam. And lots in the middle. I’m very excited about starting those units next year.

But no more of that. May all beings be happy… and you too, you poor sad, disregarded blog.